Erika's World

I have to stop complaining and bitching. But tomorrow is gonna be a completely same day, u know that.

Maybe we love what we hate and hate what we love. You never know.

I always try to unveil the "urgly truth" hiding behind the "pretty face"cuz I do believe things happened for some reason.You can't be a "sweet heart" all the time.

Maybe I am just disppointed of human nature.

Silly.

I am still human being.

BTW,stoping stalking me even I ask you to do so. Hamster.

A tricky internet stalker told me that he is watching and stalking me online as a big brother, lately. I'm impressed cuz hardly people would interested in my background and what I am thinking. Usually,I would play the role as a stalker. I have to say my stalking skill is second to none. Maybe this Mr. Big brother just wants to show sympathy. Anyway, this english blog is just a reference for this Mr. Curiosity. Enjoy!

Ah...where shall I start...

I guess I opened this blog since early 2009 but haven't been updating for long time as sina weibo is obviously more fun. 2 months ago, I got back in BJ, this extremely polluted, lousy and crowed capital, and suddenly I don't know what I should do if I don't have a job. As a result of the anxiety, I looked for a proper position like a crazy B word. haha, not exactly. I did have so much free time to hang out with friends and experienced some shitty clubs and loads of relaxing afternoons.

Finnally I got a position at a company...finnally...and it is no surprisingly intense.However, every night I would think about "what the F word am I doing" on the way home.Isn't it strange? I eventually got what I was craving but now...now I doubt...is this really what I want?

Mr.Stalker, may I ask u a question? have u ever thought about something like...maybe your life has been set in a uncontrollable track. You are not yourself, you are not even the master of your life?

sigh...

I was struggling with those stupid questions in the past week. Perhaps I read too many Buddism books.lol

纵使我知道自己并非被这个男人迷到神魂颠倒，可近来不淡定的行为必然让对方觉得这一个女生真是难缠难甩黏黏糊糊不干不脆的人。

这可怎样才好？我有那么需要别人肯定么？那么不自信到需要别人回复我的短信我才觉得自己还算给对方留下那么一点好印象，而不是期间我做错了什么让对方再也不见我了？

这样不健康的心态是不是一直以来就存在着？还是因为上次被彻底否定的感觉笼罩太久没有恢复彻底呢？

这个装逼的博客标题就是我现在心情最最靠谱写照。得到别人的爱却还要淡定的保有自己独立的灵魂，对于我来说怎么就那么难呢？

单身那么长时间，终于有了一次像样的约会。只是一切都刚好的有点太顺利，反而觉得事情是不是有蹊跷？得失心太重也开始担心要怎么样做才不会因为掉以轻心丢掉了一个可爱的男生。

不知道是不是单身太长时间，觉得自己在约会战场上完全的新人，什么技巧都完全不会，还不停的更新微博询问各方人士，问题巨细靡遗，自己都觉得自己有有够烦的。

约会途中，拐弯抹角的问对方的星座及出生年月日，为的就是得到对方生日的具体信息然后发挥一贯的神婆本色，以便分析对方性格喜恶。难道就不能平常心对待，然后多想想论文该怎么写么？

话糙理不糙，狗改不了吃屎，处女座神经质的纠结个性我是怎么也摆脱不掉了，谁让娘亲挑了这么个日子生的我呢……

邱从伦敦回国，在北京小住几天，我们高中毕业后便没有见过，5年时间，对于大多数人来说都是会发生翻天覆地的变化，身心如此。

由于高中时候她对于我来说是有点怪咖的人，于是我便忐忑起来，生怕这次见面会有很多冲撞，而我又对于处理这样熟人间的矛盾非常不在行。

结果出乎我意料的，我们聊的很开，不知她怎么想，我觉得我们在很多问题上的感悟很一致，而彼此也成长了很多。

也因为她的陪伴我和Ilan的见面让我释怀非常多，终于终于我可以正常轻松的在他面前表现表达我自己。这对我来说非常不容易，整整一年的时间在我的内心我都在消化这件事。而最终我能正常的坦然的和他做朋友，这是我最想要的也是最好的结果，很令人开心的事。对于我个人来说，这是跨出了很大一步。

于是，在这几天当中，我从之前一直竭尽全力的找一个男伴的状态出来，能更好的面对自己。

2011年开始了，真是让人兴奋啊，经历了2010年内心的种种挣扎，终于可以身心焕然一新的投入到下一段人生旅程了。

在过去一年我非常感谢我的家人，我也看到妈妈的变化，我很感谢她赞助我在墨尔本上学，赞助我去旅游，这些经历对我来说都是无比宝贵的经验。

我很感谢我的朋友们，经过这一年我更加爱我的家人，珍惜我的朋友，感谢听我唠叨，感谢陪伴我的成长。

啊……来吧，长舒一口气，继续向前。